masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
