i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
