If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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