I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
