When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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