i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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