I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
