Just fell off a train. Bad.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
