I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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