yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
