Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
