Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
