I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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