If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
