How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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