The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
