I cannot find my penis.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
PANTIES FOUND
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
