I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
