I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
