Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I lost the right to judge tonight
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
