i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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