Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
