the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
