dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
