i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
