I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
