i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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