You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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