thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
