His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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