How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
