i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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