fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
