Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
