I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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