The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
