The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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