Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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