Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Randomize
