the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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