we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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