My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
