look no pants
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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