Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
