dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
pray to the hookup gods
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
