Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
