how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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