I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
