Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Randomize
