i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I need to calm my uterus...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
