he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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