After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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