She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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