Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
